While I’m at it, let me publicly thank all of you who have kindly included KI in your wills and estate planning. Doing so will help us insure that future generations will be able to experience a Jewish education and the richness of Jewish life regardless of their ability to pay. That is a great mitzvah and I am deeply grateful for your support.
Because every single year, month after month I end up sitting with spouses and children of someone who has suddenly died with NO arrangements made and at the absolute worst possible moment, in the midst of a family’s most profound grief and loss and pain – confused, disoriented, going out of their minds, they suddenly have to spend unexpected thousands and thousands of dollars and make instant decisions they often later regret.
OK, so there are legal wills and “living wills,” which lay down the conditions of your death, detailing what extraordinary medical measures, if any, you want taken on your behalf when you are at death's door or are unable to make decisions for yourself.
That is what you really bequeath to future generations. That is what you leave to your children, your friends, your community. The values you cherish, the lessons you have learned about life; the insights you have gained from the trials and tribulations, triumphs and successes of daily living.
And yet, all of us know what a challenge it is at any time to communicate effectively with those we love. It’s like the story of the man who asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.
What a fabulous adventure. Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”
If you think about how difficult it is to effectively communicate what is important to us right now while we are living, imagine the challenge of making sure our loved ones understand us when we are gone.
When the patriarch Jacob was about to die, he called his twelve sons to his bedside, and one by one he spoke to them at length – sharing his vision for their future, the qualities he saw in them, the values that he cherished. In essence he created what has over time come to be known as an Ethical Will.
Most of you know the famous story of Alfred Nobel. Everyone has heard of him – he was the inventor of nitroglycerin, and dynamite and another 355 patents during his lifetime. In fact, at the time of his death in 1897 he had become one of the wealthiest men in Europe. But the real turning point in the life of Alfred Nobel came years before his death not long after he had first invented nitroglycerine.
As he sat and read this review of his own life, he was aghast to realize that the legacy he was leaving behind was as the inventor of the single most powerful source of destruction in history. When people thought of him, he realized, they would think of death, destruction and the ability to blow up and kill more people at one time than ever before which his genius had created.
So what will you leave behind? To your kids, to your community, to your spouse or partner, to future generations? How will you be remembered? Ultimately that question is the entire point of these High Holy Days - they are about planning our spiritual legacy.
So tonight I ask you the same question - because you don't have to wait ten years to find out what kind of adult you will turn out to be. You simply need look in the mirror to find the answer. If you could be a fly on the wall as your friends talk about you, what do you think they would say? How would they describe you? What kind of person would they think you are? What qualities of character would they identify with you?
Look at your life the way Alfred Nobel looked at his. Imagine your children reading your obituary. Would you be proud of who you are and what you have become? If you were writing the story of your values and what matters most to you in life for your kids to read, what would that story entail, and what would those values be?
A colleague of mine was speaking at a Family Life Marriage Conference last year when a man came up and handed him a letter to read. This man’s lifelong desire had been to hear his father say “I love you,” but his father had died in World War II, when the man was only 3 years old. As he was growing up his mother had often assured him of his father’s love, but it never really filled the void he felt.
It was the letter he had brought to the conference to show my colleague – evidently his father thinking he might die in the war had written a letter to his three-year-old son and hidden it behind that picture. In the letter the father shared his love for this son and the values that he cherished. It took thirty-seven years to pass until by accident, the son finally discovered the loving legacy his father had left behind. Don’t let that happen to your child.
Here are two examples of what I am talking about: First, Joe Berman of Toronto wrote to his children:
“Make your family home an oasis of faith, tranquility, light and warmth so that it becomes an example worthy of emulation.
And Barry Baines, a family physician wrote: “My hopes for you are that you find a vocation that adds value to the world. I hope you continue the traditions and faith of Judaism.”
And they aren’t only for people in the later years of their lives. We had a young mother die tragically, suddenly in her sleep this past year leaving two small children – how precious would it be to those kids to have her words to read when they grow up?
- May you always walk away from every situation the Mentsch. No matter what.
- Give people the benefit of the doubt.
- May you have the strength to easily forgive yourself…every day. Then try harder not to do things that need forgiveness.
- Always take good care of yourself. Remember, in life, as on an airplane, you must “Place the mask on yourself first” so that you will always be in the best position to help others around you.
- Your smile is your most chic accessory. It goes with everything!
- Keep busy. Always have something to do that inspires and motivates you.
- Be generous to a fault. And may it be your biggest fault.
- In matters of health…stay away from Natural Causes.
- Never forget that the most important quality that you can possess is Integrity. Value it as you value your life…because most of your life depends on it.
- As a gift to your children…make your final arrangements when you are still a young parent.
- When you reach the fork in the road of relationships…take the path of least resistance.
- Lower your expectations of others in direct proportion to how high you raise your expectations of yourself.
- It it’s a choice between being right…or being happy…choose happy.
- If you want to find a life partner whom you respect and admire, someone you can learn from, who stimulates your mind, body and spirit, someone who will be at your side as your partner for the rest of your life, you must be that person yourself.
- What you say, what you do, and who you are really matters.
- The most important word in the English language, is Attitude.
- Your most precious possession is your integrity.
- Faith can see you through the darkest hour.
- Perhaps the highest wisdom of all is simple kindness.
- No challenge is so great that it can withstand relentless persistence.
- Courage isn’t the absence of fear; it is feeling the fear and acting anyway.
- The most powerful force in the world, is Love.
- When in doubt ask, “If everyone acts as I am about to do, what kind of world will I be creating.”
- Pray as if everything depends upon God, and act as if everything depends upon you.
You can write your values as a list or a narrative story. The important part is to sit down and put your thoughts on paper. Hopefully you will be living for many decades to come – but it is never too soon to articulate the values that you cherish.
Use this time for personal reflection and to write the values you cherish most – for that really is your true legacy to your children and the generations to come.
They turned around and drove back. The father brought the son into the motel office and stood with him as the ashamed boy handed the soap to the clerk.
And the father replied, “Yes, but he didn’t know that.”
And remember, one way or another you will leave a legacy for future generations – the only question is what will that legacy be?